I told myself a lot of lies today. I’ve gotten really good at that over the years. “I’m not good enough, I will never be successful in music or anything else, and I’m not a good Mom. “I don’t have enough faith, I doubt too much, and why did I volunteer to do that when I know I’m not going to do it as well as someone else.”
This quote by Theodore Roosevelt rings so true to me, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. It’s so hard for me to watch my friends kids play with each other and know that Audrey is missing that. I feel so much grief when I see joy in the eyes of a new Mother. It was hard for me today in my church meetings when the woman leading the discussion said, “Let’s all introduce ourselves; start by saying your name and something you like to do.” She starts with her name, how many kids she has, and that she likes to teach tennis. Every woman following her lists the same three things. With every person that passes my chest gets tighter and tighter and I can hardly breathe out that I only have one by the time it gets to me. I know I’m comparing. I know that it’s all in my head; the women around the room are not thinking about how terrible of a person I am because I only have one child.
It hurts when Audrey brings me her picture of the day. Most of the time it includes four things: Me, Paul, Audrey, and baby sister. Why Baby sister? I usually tell her how beautiful it is. I never let go of the hurt in front of her. How could I ever take away her faith?
There’s a point to this I promise. I’ve been doing fertility treatments lately….now the whole world knows. J Well I was at the end of my cycle and I took a pregnancy test which came up with a blank result. Apparently that’s a thing. I felt like the world was against me. Why? So I decided to wait to take another one, Paul convinced me that if I waited one more day it would be more accurate.
The whole afternoon I’m angry, and that’s when the lies start. “He’s never going to bless you with this because you don’t have enough faith! You haven’t done all you can do! You forgot to read your scriptures yesterday. Do you think he’s going to bless someone like you?” Then what followed will be burned into my mind forever. I had a thought that just appeared in my mind like someone had neatly placed it there just for me, a thought that I not only heard in my mind but also in my heart. It was as if he said to me, “I am a loving God.”
This was truth. A loving God would never want me to believe these lies. A loving God would tell me, “Hold on a little while longer, there is something beautiful up ahead. It may not be what you had in mind but there are blessings coming.” He would tell me to hold tight to the little girl in my life because she is precious and his plan for her included waiting. He would tell me that my worries sometimes get the best of me and that she is going to grow up beautifully. He would tell me that He loves me, He loves Paul, and He loves Audrey and that his love is in the details of our lives even though we may not see it all the time.
This morning I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Somehow, even though I was sad, I wasn’t broken hearted. There was peace surrounding the grief of not being able to have that baby sister now.
I know that everyone struggles with something. You might be crazy if you go around thinking that there are people out there without hurt. I think it’s amazing that Heavenly Father knows us so perfectly that he could put things in our path that would try us in just the right ways to bring us to Christ, to humble us, and to help us to grow in ways we’d never imagined.
I’m a different person than I was just a few years ago and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful I know His love and that I’ve found peace through the Atonement. So if you’re struggling know that you’re not alone. Remember that “comparison is the thief of joy”. Keep your chin up! He loves you!
And while I'm at it I'll throw in a little Audrey love.....