The Drawing Begins

Audrey loves to draw.  When she draws she usually leaves no space empty of color.  Luckily she's always stuck with paper.  I was distracted one morning and she got a little more creative.  Of course it had to be a library book.  With the fines I have accrued and the beautiful art you see here I'm might be laying down quite a bit of cash.  I think I'm going to try and negotiate the disappearance of my late fines if I pay for the book. With her love of filling space on paper I consider myself lucky that the entire page wasn't purple.

I can't lie it is beautiful work.  Someday when she enters the art program at a university I will be proud to tell the story of her first masterpiece.

Putting Up The Tree

We put the tree up early this year.  We have a tradition where we make ginger snaps and rice pudding and then we put up the tree while we indulge in the smell and taste of Christmas.  This year Audrey actually helped decorate.  It was really fun to see her face when I was putting on the lights.  She kept trying to blow them out while telling me that they were hot.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  Mostly I enjoyed being with my family.  I love them.

 

Perspective

I haven't even started to write about the last few weeks because honestly I would rather pretend that none of it happened.  I know I shouldn't say that.  We learn from everything that happens to us and that's how we become the person that we are supposed to be.  I wouldn't wish it away but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. I've decided that I'm going to write about it, because I need to.  Not for anyone else but for me. Some day when these words are printed into a book and I'm able to reflect on them and how my experiences have shaped me I will be able to be grateful.   

I guess I figured that after having Audrey my body would fix itself.  I imagined that I would never again struggle with infertility.  So, it was very hard to swallow when Audrey turned 2 and I had to look at the facts. I couldn't sit around anymore and imagine.  

Fertility treatments.  I hated them.  I hated how I didn't feel like the same person. I hated that every month I forced myself to turn off my emotions and not feel because it was easier. Over all this time was better for one reason.  I had Audrey.  After all was said and done, I could come home and love her even more.  I feel like she truly is a miracle.  

After a few months of fertility treatments I finally got pregnant.  It was hard for me to believe.  It felt almost too easy.  We celebrated and we called our families. 

I went in for my first ultra sound at six weeks. They couldn't hear the heartbeat which I could tell that they were nervous about.  They said that it could be a little early.  I might have gotten pregnant a little later than they thought I did, a very small possibility.  They told me to go home and we would have another ultrasound in a week.  It was a really long week but I tried to keep positive.  I went in at 7 weeks.  I heard the heartbeat and started to cry.  I was relieved but I still had this feeling that something was wrong.  When I went in to see the doctor and he told me that the baby was measuring small and the heartbeat was slow.  This was a sign that I would probably miscarry.  I had to wait another 2 weeks to find out for sure. I sensed from the doctor that it would be a miracle to have this baby. My heart broke. I called my family.  I had a good conversation with my Dad, and even though he is so far away.  I felt so comforted by his words.  

I had to stop asking and let the Lord's will be done.  I had to trust his plan for me.  This experience would be for my good, and even though I believed that with my whole heart, I was still emotional on and off all day.   At one point I sat on the toilet sobbing and Audrey came over.  She climbed up in my lap, gave me a big hug and whispered, "Is okay Mom, is okay".  She is my angel. I love her.    

Among this looming dark cloud there was a bright spot.  I don't think that I could ever adequately thank her for what she did.  Michelle called me and asked if it was okay if she came to see me.  She had already booked a ticket.  I was in shock.  I don't get to see my family very often and I knew that this would be a huge sacrifice for Michelle.  

I didn't realize how much I had missed my family until she walked out of the airport doors. I cried. Everything was going to be okay. Over the next few days we shopped and shopped, ate blue bell, and watched romance movies, and talked.  Audrey got to know her aunt Michelle and Paul and I got to go on a date.  It was the best therapy I could have asked for.  After a little prodding I called to set up an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion.  It came time when Michelle had to leave and I cried. It was harder dropping her off than I thought it would be.  

I went in to see my doctor a couple days later.  He confirmed my fears.  I was going to miscarry.  There was no heartbeat and the baby was still the same size 2 weeks later.  I went in to his office 2 more times to be sure.

After waiting few days more days I decided to have a D&C.  I need to move on and I didn't feel like I could until I miscarried.  

Now I have recovered, both emotionally and physically, thanks to family, friends, and prayers. I'm not sure what my next move will be but surprisingly I'm not worried. 

I guess part of writing something down is realizing that even though this was the hardest thing I have ever been through, my Heavenly Father was there with me through the entire thing.  Always sending people to my aid just when I needed them.       

Glinda and Dorothy...ask Paul where the Tin Man went

This year Audrey got to trunk or treat for the first time, twice.  At first she was a little apprehensive about going up to strangers but after a while she was saying "trick or treat" and "thank you" right along with me.  Toward the end when her bucket started to get heavy she sat down in the middle of the parking lot to look though her treats.  I don't know how many times since then she has looked through them trying desperately to open them up.  She usually succeeds after a little while.  I can't let her have too much though, or she goes crazy.

I'm pretty sure she was the cutest little girl ever.  I was lucky enough to catch a few pictures with her hat on.  She didn't like to keep it on for that long.  I hope you all had a happy and safe Halloween.

Old Mac Donald

We went to a petting zoo/pumpkin patch with a bunch of ladies in our ward.  It was way hotter than I expected it to be, but that's what it's like living in Texas. We were sweating. I was wearing pants, it was horrible, but Audrey had so much fun.  She loved see the animals up close.  Especially the donkey.  They had a huge 15-20 feet high pile of sand that all the kids played in.  Perfect for a girl that loves to climb 

On our way out we got to pick a pumpkin for Audrey. She has carried it around for a solid week.  I'm sure she will go crazy when I let her paint it or we carve it and put a light in it for her.  I am ridiculously excited for Halloween this year.   

Potty Time

I have learned a lot through this process.  I read all these blogs thinking I had it all figured out and then I realized that every child is so different.  There are a few things that I think generally work but we really had to pave most of the road ourselves.

The first day I spent most of the day sitting on the bathroom floor.  It was awesome. We celebrated every success with a treat, the potty dance, and a star to put on her potty chart.  She loved every celebration. She had eleven accidents.  I was thinking things were okay. I was second guessing myself every step of the way, but she was going on the potty so we called Day 1 a success.

Day 2:  The hardest day through the whole process.  19 accidents.  I was sick of sitting on the floor.  I was tired.  I wanted to leave the house.  I wanted the pee to stop.  No more laundry...please!  I went to bed hoping that Day 3 would be better.

Day 3: Something clicked for me and for her.  I realized that she was having really small accidents right after she would go.  She was holding some of it in.  So I didn't put underwear on her right after. Less laundry....yes please.  I also realized with my sister's help that I didn't need to sit and wait for her to go.  I put her on and if she didn't go within 5 minutes I would pull her off. I started watching her for signs that she needed to go.  This was a lot more effective than putting her on every half hour. 8 accidents and I was feeling pretty good about myself.

From here on out I didn't exactly keep track of what happened everyday because things seemed to get so much better everyday.

I am proud to say that for the most part she is potty trained.  She still has accidents, but not very many and I am so happy I don't have to change diapers anymore.

The potty dance was overall the most effective tool. Thank you Lisa!

    

 

"Wings" (as Audrey calls them)

Maybe she calls them wings on purpose.  It's such a fitting name.  This was our second experience swinging.  I know, I'm a horrible Mom.  There are no swings at the park we usually go to, so she never knew what she was missing.  One Saturday when we had nothing going on we grabbed dinner and went to swing.  She didn't want to leave.  She was upset.  She begged me for weeks at least once a day to go swing.  This was our second time.  I was going through the pictures and she has a huge smile on her face in every one.  We probably need to go swinging more often.  We had a really good morning. This place has 10 different playground areas lined up.  She just went from one to the other until it got too hot to stay.