Neglecting my Journal

Today I was looking at a post from one of my really good friends. It was a picture of all of her journals.  There were SO many!  I felt a little twinge for a minute wondering why I have never really picked up journaling. 

I honestly don't know why.  I used to love to read my Mom's journals and I love to read Paul's mission journals.   I have written... just not very much.  

I guess my reasoning is that I do it here.  I feel like it's illustrated so much better with pictures too.  So here it is.  My journal, out there for everyone to read and at some point I hope to print it.  Then I'll have a photo album and a journal.  I'm okay with that.  :)

This is a mismatch of photos from the last several months....that period when I didn't ever blog.  I missed out on sharing so much.  These pictures of Audrey and her cousins in Houston mean so much more to me now though...so I guess it's fitting.  

From the top: a visit from the Kendall's during the winter last year, an Easter egg hunt with a few close friends, and Easter day....oh how I wish I had of gotten a photo of all of us that day.  My birthday...I turned the big 32 this year, Audrey begging her Dad to build a fire in the backyard, and our last time in downtown Houston. I can't believe the year is already halfway over! 

Climbing Mountains

Since arriving here Audrey has pointed at every rocky surface she can find and says, "Mom I want to climb that mountain".  I think in her mind she was thinking of scaling torturous cliffs.  I think she was a little disappointed on memorial day when we took her hiking on trails.  It wasn't until she saw the view below that she was convinced that this was adequate.  She didn't ever want to be done.  I don't blame her.  The weather was beautiful and so was the scenery.  I haven't seen anything like this in a long time.  Not that Texas wasn't beautiful in it's own way, it's just easier to want to be outside in the summer here.  I'm sure, in the Winter I'll wish I were in Texas taking walks and watching Audrey run around in the sprinklers in November. I guess you just have to take what you can get.  :) 

Poppy loved it too, so it was a win win.  When we got home Paul finished painting my desk (he's amazing), and Audrey and I made dinner for the missionaries.  It was a beautiful day!  

Cloudy Days

We had a few rainy days here.  It's hard to want to send a Dog out in the mud to go potty and then let her back in the house without washing her paws...so that's exactly what I did.  I think she really likes the rain because she kept wanting to go out for no reason. Lots of mud! 

While we waited for the clouds to pass we built a house out of popsicle sticks.

It seems since I got here that a lot of women have commented on Audrey's big personality.  At first I didn't understand.  I'm with her all day and I guess she's a lot like me because the only thing I recognize as being different from other kids is that she has a really big imagination and she is so expressive with her face. See below and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.  

I hope that she keeps being herself for a long time.  I feel like at a certain age you become less comfortable with who you are and you start becoming what you think everyone else likes.  I feel like I still smash myself into that box all the time.  I hope that when she heads off to school she is comfortable and confident with who she is.  She should never think she's less of a person because she's not like everyone else. 

I know that her imagination won't last forever....unless she becomes a writer, but for now I'm enjoying every bit of imagination I can get.  She's a fairy one day and a pirate the next.  Somehow she knows that her stuffed animals come alive at night to go on adventures and protect her while she's sleeping.  She has gone on many adventures by herself inside her closet and has a lot to say every time she comes out.  (If you haven't read the children's series "Skippyjon Jones" you should. She only has one and I think I've read it a thousand times.) 

I'm going to be sad when these days end.  School is going to be very hard for me.    

Beautiful Montana

The things I love about Montana since moving here:

• The Mountains, I never realized how much I missed them. 
• The cool mornings and cool evenings.  We've taken a lot more walks lately.  I might even start running again.  
• The street behind us that's not finished.  It's been Audrey's favorite place to explore.  The little lake down the street.  It the most beautiful little spot and provides hours of entertainment and swimming.  
• The women who have befriended me so quickly.  
• The rain smells like the rain from Utah, my former home.  I never knew that rain smelled different in different places.  When it rained for the first time I had to roll down the window down and take in a deep breath.  It makes me smile just thinking about it.
• The little park down the street that is really nothing much, but it's ours.  
• The new small home I moved into.  I love that I can clean the whole thing in one day, and I love it even more now that it's starting to feel like home.  
• Going camping again.  I can't wait to see what the stars look like out here.
• Being closer to my Mom and Dad.  Even though I'm still far away....it feels so good to be close enough that I could drive if I wanted to.  

It feels good to call this place home.  

Moving

We're moving.  If I think about it too much right now I might cry.  I'm leaving behind so many good friends and of course family.  I have truly loved Texas with all of my heart.  It has taught me so much and I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go.  It has become home.  If this isn't home...I'm not sure where home is.  I'm excited about this new chapter in our lives but I know it's going to bring a lot of change and starting over for all of us...which is never easy. It's a good thing that I have Paul and Audrey.  I'm not sure I would feel at home anywhere without them. 

I wanted to thoroughly document our life here and this home.  I'm going to miss it so much!  I thought about taking pictures in every room of the house before we leave.  It was going to be my picture project before we leave.  I hope I have time.  There are so many loose ends to wrap up before moving, along with teaching a choir class and being my community photographer.  You tell everyone you're moving and suddenly everyone wants a family photo session. I've really enjoyed learning so much but it has been a little overwhelming.

  So here's our backyard.  It's not much but we've spent countless hours out here enjoying the sun, running in the sprinklers, star gazing (in the winter you can see the entire Orion constellation, which is currently Audrey's favorite).  We've chased poppy around, picked lemons and drank lemonade, played soccer, chased each other, watched clouds, made mini fires, bird watched, and slid down this small slide countless times.  It's been our space and home.  I'll miss the memories it holds.  The only thing I won't miss is the weed we call grass here. :) 

Coming Unto Him

At times in my life I have felt like my prayers have gone unanswered.  It seems like it happens the most when it's about something that's really important to me.  

I feel like I'm only just barely starting to understand why.  Today our bishop's wife gave a talk about Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  She said when answers to her prayers didn't come she felt like the Savior was expecting her to seek him.  It was then that she had to work her hardest to come unto him.    As she spoke memories and experiences flooded through my mind.  I have felt the same call from the Savior to come unto him...as painful as it has been sometimes. This verse of scripture comes to mind, "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest."

I've come to realize that it's always been my will against his, what I think my purpose is vs. what He has in mind for me.  I've tried to understand His will, but still secretly hoped that his will was what I wanted.  

In the last few months he has answered countless prayers and has given me endless peace despite the storm that seems to rage around me.  I feel like Peter.  It's been his hand that has been there to catch me in my time of need.  It was as if receiving answers to these prayers meant that he was still there.  He was still watching.  He was just quietly teaching me, beckoning me. It's only now that I recognize that his purpose for me maybe different than what I had envisioned...and that's OKAY.  I may not always receive answers and that doesn't mean that he has left me alone.  It only means that he is expecting me to come unto him.     

Raw Truth Exposed

I told myself a lot of lies today.  I’ve gotten really good at that over the years.  “I’m not good enough, I will never be successful in music or anything else, and I’m not a good Mom.   “I don’t have enough faith, I doubt too much, and why did I volunteer to do that when I know I’m not going to do it as well as someone else.” 

This quote by Theodore Roosevelt rings so true to me, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.  It’s so hard for me to watch my friends kids play with each other and know that Audrey is missing that.  I feel so much grief when I see joy in the eyes of a new Mother.  It was hard for me today in my church meetings when the woman leading the discussion said, “Let’s all introduce ourselves; start by saying your name and something you like to do.”  She starts with her name, how many kids she has, and that she likes to teach tennis.  Every woman following her lists the same three things.  With every person that passes my chest gets tighter and tighter and I can hardly breathe out that I only have one by the time it gets to me.  I know I’m comparing.  I know that it’s all in my head; the women around the room are not thinking about how terrible of a person I am because I only have one child.

It hurts when Audrey brings me her picture of the day.  Most of the time it includes four things: Me, Paul, Audrey, and baby sister.  Why Baby sister?  I usually tell her how beautiful it is.  I never let go of the hurt in front of her.  How could I ever take away her faith? 

There’s a point to this I promise.  I’ve been doing fertility treatments lately….now the whole world knows.  J  Well I was at the end of my cycle and I took a pregnancy test which came up with a blank result.  Apparently that’s a thing.  I felt like the world was against me.  Why?  So I decided to wait to take another one, Paul convinced me that if I waited one more day it would be more accurate. 

The whole afternoon I’m angry, and that’s when the lies start.  “He’s never going to bless you with this because you don’t have enough faith!  You haven’t done all you can do! You forgot to read your scriptures yesterday.   Do you think he’s going to bless someone like you?”  Then what followed will be burned into my mind forever.  I had a thought that just appeared in my mind like someone had neatly placed it there just for me, a thought that I not only heard in my mind but also in my heart.   It was as if he said to me, “I am a loving God.” 

This was truth.  A loving God would never want me to believe these lies.  A loving God would tell me, “Hold on a little while longer, there is something beautiful up ahead.  It may not be what you had in mind but there are blessings coming.”  He would tell me to hold tight to the little girl in my life because she is precious and his plan for her included waiting.  He would tell me that my worries sometimes get the best of me and that she is going to grow up beautifully.  He would tell me that He loves me, He loves Paul, and He loves Audrey and that his love is in the details of our lives even though we may not see it all the time.   

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  Somehow, even though I was sad, I wasn’t broken hearted.  There was peace surrounding the grief of not being able to have that baby sister now. 

I know that everyone struggles with something.  You might be crazy if you go around thinking that there are people out there without hurt.  I think it’s amazing that Heavenly Father knows us so perfectly that he could put things in our path that would try us in just the right ways to bring us to Christ, to humble us, and to help us to grow in ways we’d never imagined. 

I’m a different person than I was just a few years ago and I’m grateful for that.  I’m grateful I know His love and that I’ve found peace through the Atonement.  So if you’re struggling know that you’re not alone. Remember that “comparison is the thief of joy”.   Keep your chin up!  He loves you!      

And while I'm at it I'll throw in a little Audrey love.....