The journey with infertility before Audrey and after has been heartbreaking. The longer I've waited the easier it has become, although I've still learned to avoid situations that reminded me of the possibility that we may be a one child family. My heart wasn't broken for me as much as it was for Audrey. My fear was that she may never know the joy of having a brother or sister. My mind would race through a thousand experiences in my childhood. Every time I'd think about my memories my heart ached for my little girl. Who would she stay up late with talking endlessly into the night? Who's bed would she jump into when she was scared and too grown to admit her fears to her Mom? Who would she blast music with in the car as she made a trip to the local Wendy's late at night? Who would tease and torment her but still fiercely love her at the same time? Who would tie her up and leave her in the closet? Who would play kickball with her in the backyard? The list goes on and on and I was afraid that I would never be enough to fill all those roles.
As time went on I did my best to put my faith in God's plan because He knows her and he has all wisdom...I know that. I'll be honest and say that my trust of that plan waned at times.
There were times in my journey where I felt like I was doing all I could to be close to the Savior and yet I felt lost like I couldn't find him. I was going through a particularly difficult time when I felt like I was alone in more than one way and at the same time I was going through fertility treatments. I mentioned to Paul that I felt like I was groping around in darkness and I didn't know what to do. His first question was, "When was the last time you prayed out loud Emily?". He then challenged me to pray vocally everyday. In the evening I wore out our rug in the bathroom as I knelt and poured out my heart daily. I first recognized a change in my prayers and then I recognized a change in myself and the absence of darkness that recently had seemed to become a loyal companion. Being alone with my thoughts and words spoken aloud seemed to connect me as a daughter to a loving Heavenly Father. I couldn't have made it through the next few months or fertility treatments and a miscarriage without Him.
Years later after our failed adoption I hit the bottom again. It rocked me emotionally and now that Audrey was older I was dealing with her emotions too. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had a particularly difficult night when we heard for sure that this little girl was not going to be ours anymore. I felt like I had no where to go. I called my neighbor down the street and she invited me over right away. She let me talk and mostly just listened. I don't know if she'll ever know how much that meant to me. She mourned with me the way the Savior would have.
There are so many people in this story, weekly dinners with the sweetest friends (more like family), thousands of prayers and so so many temple trips. I know I was on the temple prayer role weekly for years. My parents hardly ever seemed to miss a chance to pray for me and many many others. I still weep thinking about all the people in my life who lifted me up and sometimes figuratively carried me on their shoulders. I know they were all my earthly angels sent by Him because He cared even when I felt like I was alone.
Somehow we made it through and moved not too long after that. It ended out being one of our greatest blessings. Leaving Texas although hard in it's own right, somehow gave me space to heal from difficult memories. When we got settled in I kept busy teaching and volunteering at the local school, teaching voice, gardening, doing photography, and homeschooling. I finally started to feel like I could do this life forever and I wouldn't mind a bit if Audrey was the only child we ever had. I was a Mom (truly all I ever wanted to be) and that was enough. We could be the three musketeers forever.
Last year at the end of the year I decided I'd approach Paul to try IVF. I promised it would be the last time we would step foot in a fertility clinic. If you're curious about my journey since then you can read the two posts below which I wrote just after leaving IVF behind.
I wish I could write what is in my heart. There are words here that can't be spoken because I can't find them. I'm grateful that I was spared from a more than likely cancelled IVF cycle because of Corona that would have taken place in March after taking SO MANY medications and having to wait another six months to try a new cycle. It would have been another blow to my heart. Stepping away from IVF was my leap of faith. It was so hard. I truly thought I was saying goodbye to a chapter in my life, but I moved forward hoping that the peace spoken to my mind and heart was enough.
How was I to know of the miracle awaiting us just two months later. When I found out I was shocked. I sobbed uncontrollably all day. I felt a joy that surpassed anything I have ever felt and not because I was pregnant. As I reflected on this journey Paul and I have been on I saw all of these blessings and the spirit has whispered to my heart over and over again of God's love.
I knew he loved me in my heart, I knew he could quite possibly love me as much as I love Audrey but I didn't know the depth of his love until I saw his plan for us laid out before me in such a beautiful way...all 13 beautiful years. The plan was not and still isn't void of difficulty but I wouldn't trade the plan he had for me for the one I had in mind 13 years ago. I've grown so much. I've been able to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort in ways I never would have been able to. I've been able to gain such a beautiful relationship with my Heavenly Father and now to feel His love so tangibly is such a gift. I can't even begin to describe how it has felt. I have such a long way to go, I know that, but I'm grateful to know that He is there and that He loves me and you in such a personal way.
We are elated to add to our family. Audrey talks to my belly every night and hugs it regularly. I've found her many times on the floor of her room with the baby books that I had kept stashed away. She tells me she's practicing to read to the baby. A few hours after I had told her about our secret she threw her hand over her mouth just as she walked into the room as if she had forgotten something. She then said, Oh, no! I forgot to thank Heavenly Father for the baby!", after which she ran to her room to kneel down , where she was for quite some time. If I could have only been a fly on the wall for what was surely the sweetest and most thoughtful prayer.
I'm a mess these days, a day can't go by without me feeling overwhelmed by the sweetness of this new gift and the love that has come with it. My prayer today is to forever remember what I know today. I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and cares for me deeply (so deeply that I can't use words to describe it to someone else). He is concerned for me, provides for me, and teaches me in the most gentle ways. He has provided a Savior who has given me the most selfless gift. His gift has sustained me and changed me. I will forever be grateful for Him because I'm not perfect and I have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I hope to forever sing his praises and boast of his goodness.
I love Him!
There's a Baby coming our way in November y'all! Pray for me, my body hasn't done this in a LONG time! :)
