1 and 2 months

I've found myself not wanting to blog.  All I want to do it sit a soak in everyday.  Everyday is new and full of challenges but I'm loving it.  I finally figured out the sources of my constant infections and it's felt good to have four full weeks of no mastitis.  I feel good and that makes me all the more grateful for my health. Rae is growing and with it we have seen more of her personality.  I love this little munchkin, even when she keeps me up all night long.  She is full blown smiling now.  It's never a half smile, it's always an ear to ear smile.  Sometimes she'll forget she's sad and change her expression from crying to smiling and then back to crying if I'm smiling at her.  

She started standing and now grows impatient when we lay her down in our laps instead of letting her stand. She's found her voice and she's not shy about making the cutest noises as loud as she possibly can.  If Audrey is in the next room she will rush to listen and watch.  We all oo and ah over every new thing she does.  She's definitely not lacking attention...which I might regret later...or not. :) 

She's already using her eyebrows to support her new found expressions just like her sister.  The double brow lift is a popular one but the best if you can catch it is the single brow lift.   I always wonder what she's thinking when she does it. 

She is champion hair puller.  When I had Audrey I cut my hair off to avoid baby hands getting caught in my hair.  This time I left it long and I'm constantly having to unravel her hands from hair whether it's Audrey's or mine.  She uses it as her security blanket and always has two handfuls while I'm carrying her around.  

You might not believe it but she got her first hair cut.  She was sporting the old man hairdo where one section in the back grows but nothing else does, but now everything is evenly bald.  :)

She loves baths but she thinks she's a princess and it has to be done a certain way.  She must be wrapped in a towel when she takes the plunge or she screams.  With her towel around her in the water she is the happiest most relaxed baby.  For now I'll let her be a princess but eventually she'll have to accept not be wrapped in the water.  Bath time is Audrey's favorite thing to watch. She is obsessed with Rae and often tells her friends how cute and how special her baby sister is.  I'm not sure they care but I love that Audrey wants to shout her love from the rooftops.  Rae is equally obsessed and follows Audrey with her eyes wherever she goes.  I love that they love each other.  This little relationship is all I ever wanted for Audrey and I'm so glad that she has someone to call sister.

We had Raelyn's blessing on Sunday.  I was so grateful for Covid because it allowed us to have our families on Zoom.  It was nice for them to be there even though it wasn't in person.  Paul's parents were able to make the long trek up here and it was good to have them. I think Paul appreciated having his Dad be apart of the blessing.  

It was a beautiful blessing and I found myself crying before it even began.  I still have difficulty believing that this is my life and that she is here, but these bigger events in her life make it all the more real.  My friends were such a great support to me.  I invited each of them to her blessing but I didn't expect them all to show up.  The primary room was full of people that came out to be my stand in family.  I'm so grateful for them.  I couldn't have ever survived without living near family if it wasn't for good friends that Heavenly Father has blessed me with in each place I have moved to.    

The week Rod and Anne were here Paul enjoyed doing many projects and car maintenance with his Dad.  Audrey enjoyed spending time with her Anna.  It was so fun to come together each evening for games.  Audrey cried when they left.  Sometimes I don't realize how much living away from family can be hard on her too.  She often talks about wishing she could step through the I Pad to visit cousins and grandparents.  I have to agree with her, it would be pretty great.  Hopefully we can get down to visit them soon.  Until then facetime with have to do.  

Sadly I didn't get any photos of our family on her blessing day.  She was pretty sad all day long and when we got home to take photos she only made it through a few.  

I'll Be Home For Christmas

 This year we spent Christmas and Thanksgiving at home.  I was not about to not have a Thanksgiving meal so Paul and I cooked till 3:00 in the afternoon amidst diapers, naps, and feedings.  At 4:00 we enjoyed a delicious meal together, just the three of us while Rae slept.  I was missing family and the Thanksgiving festivities because it would have been a day with more rest and less time in the kitchen but we still enjoyed ourselves. 
December was just what we needed. We enjoyed serving all month long in ways that we could.  We always try to do Light the World and this year was no exception but we did less because it was harder to get out.  A few of my favorites for the month were taking our neighbors treats.  They were all so kind and so excited to see us because Covid has kept them in and to themselves.  Also making gingerbread houses, we started making the gingerbread together last year and it has been a fun tradition to continue.  This year we added jolly rancher windows which was so cool.  I also enjoyed going out to see lights at the zoo.  They were simple and there wasn't a lot but it was fun to get out and drive around together.  For the first time this year Audrey was able to be a Santa for someone else which was so fun.  She enjoyed picking out gifts and delivering them quietly to a little girl who wouldn't have gotten very much for Christmas.  I'm sure she will remember her first time being Santa for years to come.  
Audrey spent an entire month at the table this year making gifts for us.  At times I got frustrated with her about my dirty table.  Her crafts were piled a foot deep and filled the entire table for weeks on end.  I was always instructed to not look.  I tried to be a good Mom and allow her creativity but sometimes I was overwhelmed.  As I was putting presents under the tree on Christmas Eve I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I had been on her for a month about my table and she was just doing the best she could to show love to her family on Christmas.  I cried as I laid each of her boxes under the tree.  I think Heavenly Father was trying to teach me a lesson...a much needed lesson.  I was overwhelmed with his love for her.  I felt the spirit whisper quietly of Audrey's love for me and each member of our family.  It was such a beautiful feeling and I hope that next time I will have learned from my experience and let the dirty table slide.
Christmas morning was quiet and full of excitement from Audrey.  I took pictures of the girls in their nightgowns with my phone and then put Raelyn down to sleep while we opened presents. 
Audrey made Raelyn a book which was so so sweet.  She made Paul a bunch of airplanes and she made us some activity books.  The highlight of her gifts was a nativity made out of popsicle sticks.  I wish I had of gotten a photo of it.  I know all of her creativity was poured into it and I was surprised at the beauty of each piece.  I placed it on the shelf next to my other two small nativities and carefully took it down and packed it away for next year.  I want her to know how much her effort means to me.  I hope it lasts for years to come. 
Later in the day we played games and facetimed with family while eating a lot of pie.  It was pretty much the best Christmas ever.  The only thing that would have made it better would have been seeing more family but this year I was grateful to keep it simple.  

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Please excuse the phone photos.  I was being lazy. 

Raelyn

I feel like time flies by so quickly.  Raelyn changes daily and there are so many things I don't want to forget.  I used to be of the opinion that all newborns were the same.  I thought personality didn't come into  play for at least a few months.  Having a second child proved me wrong.  This little girl definitely has a personality.  My favorite thing is when she is content and sighs/sings with every breath.  She does it when I lay her down in her bassinet after I feed her at night.  She does it on my shoulder as I rub her back.  It's the sweetest sound and I'm soaking it all in a loving every minute of it.  

She likes making noises while she's being burped.  I think it's because she likes hearing how it sounds as we pat her.  She's also a growler.  If I'm not feeding her fast enough and she has to wait a millisecond or I pause feeding her to burp her she's growling at me.  She doesn't like laying down on my shoulder, she thinks she's bigger than she is.  She cries if I ever try to coax into it. This can be difficult when trying to get her to burp.  I've had to be creative with burping her in other ways.  It can be frustrating but also sweet when she stares at me for as long as she can hold her head up.  She is like a clock, she's always on time.  Sometimes she's right down to the minute from feeding to feeding.  

She has the cutest gummy smile and with it comes one tiny dimple on the right side if her face.  

She is the sweetest bright eyed baby and I consider myself lucky to be called her mom.  

A lot of people have asked me how Audrey is doing.  She's doing well.  Watching her become a big sister has been the sweetest and most rewarding experience for me.  She is fiercely protective of her baby sister and loves her so much.  The day after we arrived home I put Raelyn in her arms and pulled out the camera to take video of what was sure to be a perfect moment between sisters.  She looked up at me with the biggest smile and said "Mom this is so special!"  It was so special that I wasn't allowed to video it because she said it was a personal moment between her and her sister....something she'd been waiting a long time for.  

Every morning Audrey gives Rae a kiss for everyday that she's been alive.  I thought it would be short lived but she hasn't missed a day.   She's a self proclaimed baby hog and has already started sharing secrets with her sister that she says no one else will ever hear.  When Audrey holds her sister its like no one else exists.  She chats Rae's ear off and Rae stares admiringly up at her.  Audrey is a rock star helper and is always willing to take Rae when she's crying to comfort her.  

 The first month of Raelyn's life hasn't been the easiest.  I had mastitis twice and and then after recovering from that I was in bed with so much pain in my back and neck that I could hardly move.  Paul couldn't go back to work when he had planned and is now trying to crawl his way out of the load of work that piled up while he was away.  He was the only thing holding things together over a couple weeks.  He hasn't stopped doing laundry, doing dishes, making food, helping with the baby, and taking care of all of Audrey's needs.  I don't deserve him...full stop.  Now that I'm out of the woods and feeling normal again he's been able to go back to work and I've been able to more fully enjoy these two little munchkins. I'm loving this new crazy beautiful life of mine and still feeling like it's all a dream that I'm going to wake up from at any moment.    

 

Welcome to the World Little One

 This might be a long one so feel free to skip over it to see the pictures of this sweet little girl.  

  

Let's start at the beginning.  A week before my due date I was woken up at night with contractions every ten minutes apart.  I was induced with Audrey so I'd never experienced real labor at home.  I was questioning myself at every turn.  That night I didn't get very much sleep and in the morning I told Paul to get ready because I was probably going to have a baby that day.  I felt bad as the day went on and I didn't seem to progress past 10 minutes.  I can't tell you how much I walked to try to get things moving.  At 4:00 my contractions got to be 5 minutes apart so we packed up and took Audrey to a friends house.  We got to the hospital and while I was contracting, I wasn't in such intense pain that I couldn't walk or talk.  I just knew they were 5 minutes apart and I didn't want to have a baby at home.  

The nurses hooked me up to the monitors and they told me my contractions were 6 minutes apart and I was dilated to a 4.  Right away I could tell they were feeling like this wasn't the real deal.  My feelings ended out being right because they told me to go walk for a couple hours and then they would check on me. A couple hours later and I don't know how many turns around the labor and delivery unit later I was still the same.  They sent me home.  I felt stupid.

The next day my contractions had all but gone away and I was back at my regular routine.  The day after that they started back up and were a half hour apart to ten minutes apart for days.  My Mom and my sister arrived and were a welcome distraction.  I cried the morning of their arrival because I was so grateful they were on their way.  I have missed my family this year.  I haven't seen them in a long time and CoVid/being pregnant has not afforded me the opportunity to travel very much.  

They fed us, played with Audrey, watched movies, sang karaoke, and played the Wii.  Two days after their arrived I had another night of ten minute apart contractions.  I sent Paul to work because I didn't want to feel stupid again.  Mom, Karalee, Audrey and I went on a long walk, I bounced endlessly on a Pilates ball and ate as many dates and I could stomach and of course watched movies.  

At 3:00 my contractions got a little more intense and I was having to stop and breath through them.  I was hoping at this point that this was the real thing because I wasn't sure how many more days I could take contracting the way I was.  We went shopping at Costco and then to Winco.  I was so excited because Karalee was going to make me her famous crepes. By the time we got home things were starting to ramp up. At one point I started falling to my knees when I had a contraction because I was having shooting pains down my legs.  I started timing them and they were only 10 minutes apart.  I called Paul and told him to come home as soon as he could.  He arrived and I decided to call my midwife even though my contractions were still 10 minutes apart.  She told me to come in as soon as I could.  When we arrived at the hospital I had a contraction and then again in the elevator on the way up to the labor and delivery.  I knew they had gotten closer but I was still worried about my midwife sending me home.  At around 5:30 they hooked me up the monitors and checked me out.  I was dilated to a 6 and my contractions were 5 minutes apart.  

When they told me I was going to have a baby that night I felt like I was living an alternate reality.  I started to tear up.  This moment had been such a long awaited miracle that I couldn't help but be so humbled and grateful amidst the pain.  When I hit a 7 they offered me a medication to take the edge off.  I was grateful until it took effect and I was so dizzy I couldn't open my eyes.  Then I was grateful again when my next contraction hit and it was a tiny bit milder than the last.  My midwife was a saint.  She pushed on pressure points every time I had contraction and it was just the distraction I needed.  I kept telling her how amazing she was.  Paul stood by my side the entire time and held my hand.  Some how squeezing his hand and knowing he was there made me feel like I could actually make it through all this with a baby on the other side.  Then my epidural arrived and along with it sweet relief from the pain.  At this point my midwife told me she would come check on me again in a little while.  She estimated that I would probably have the baby between 10:30 and 12:00.

When she came back in she asked about my pain and I told her I felt a little bit of the last contraction.  She checked me and was surprised to see I was ready to go. It all happened so fast.  10 minutes of pushing she was out.  If I could give the woman who gave me my epidural a hug I would.  At the end I could feel myself tearing and her coming out.  It was just enough pain...not so much that I was crying but enough to know how hard I was pushing.  Raelyn was born at 8:45 with the cord wrapped twice around her.  Once tightly around her neck and then around her body.  She was blue and I was scared.  I was so worried when I didn't hear her cry.  My midwife so calmly and quickly unwrapped her neck and body and rubbed her.  Seconds later she started to cry and I did too.  She then put her on my chest. Little Rae was so beautiful and I was so in love.  In my mind I flashed back through the last nine years of emotional heartache, of torturing myself feeling like I wasn't good enough, asking at every turn what I was supposed to learn.  I reflected on loss from a miscarriage and failed adoption and how hard they both were on me and my family.  And somehow the timing of it all and this little spirit in my arms at this time felt right.  This is what God saw all along.  Feeling and knowing His wisdom, His love, His tender care in carrying me through it all was a beautiful journey that I had the privilege of being apart of.  The growth that came from my small trial is what kept me searching for him and for that I will be forever grateful.  

We brought her home the next day and had a few days with Karalee and Mom.  I was so lucky to have them. I still get emotional thinking about the sacrifice it was for Karalee to come amidst her work and her own trials.  I will forever be grateful for her and her tender care of my family and my dog, her ability to entertain without having to be entertained, her pancakes, her video game skills, singing the oldies with me, and her hugs. I'm so grateful for Mom.  I know it's hard on her to travel and I'm so grateful she did it for me.  I'm grateful she was there on the nights with a wailing baby that Paul and I couldn't seem to calm.  I'm grateful she took the time to learn and play video games with us and fly endless amounts of paper airplanes.  These will be a memories Audrey will hold dear for the rest of her life.  I look back and still giggle about how many times we had to play each level on Super Mario.  I'm pretty sure Karalee was the only competent player. 

Over all it was a week I will never forget.  Happy Birthday Raelyn!  We love you so so so much!