Hope

The journey with infertility before Audrey and after has been heartbreaking.  The longer I've waited the easier it has become, although I've still learned to avoid situations that reminded me of the possibility that we may be a one child family.  My heart wasn't broken for me as much as it was for Audrey.  My fear was that she may never know the joy of having a brother or sister.  My mind would race through a thousand experiences in my childhood. Every time I'd think about my memories my heart ached for my little girl.  Who would she stay up late with talking endlessly into the night?  Who's bed would she jump into when she was scared and too grown to admit her fears to her Mom? Who would she blast music with in the car as she made a trip to the local Wendy's late at night?  Who would tease and torment her but still fiercely love her at the same time?  Who would tie her up and leave her in the closet?  Who would play kickball with her in the backyard?  The list goes on and on and I was afraid that I would never be enough to fill all those roles.

As time went on I did my best to put my faith in God's plan because He knows her and he has all wisdom...I know that.  I'll be honest and say that my trust of that plan waned at times.

There were times in my journey where I felt like I was doing all I could to be close to the Savior and yet I felt lost like I couldn't find him.  I was going through a particularly difficult time when I felt like I was alone in more than one way and at the same time I was going through fertility treatments.  I mentioned to Paul that I felt like I was groping around in darkness and I didn't know what to do.  His first question was, "When was the last time you prayed out loud Emily?".  He then challenged me to pray vocally everyday.  In the evening I wore out our rug in the bathroom as I knelt and poured out my heart daily.  I first recognized a change in my prayers and then I recognized a change in myself and the absence of darkness that recently had seemed to become a loyal companion.  Being alone with my thoughts and words spoken aloud seemed to connect me as a daughter to a loving Heavenly Father.  I couldn't have made it through the next few months or fertility treatments and a miscarriage without Him.

Years later after our failed adoption I hit the bottom again.  It rocked me emotionally and now that Audrey was older I was dealing with her emotions too.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I had a particularly difficult night when we heard for sure that this little girl was not going to be ours anymore.  I felt like I had no where to go.  I called my neighbor down the street and she invited me over right away.  She let me talk and mostly just listened.  I don't know if she'll ever know how much that meant to me.  She mourned with me the way the Savior would have.

There are so many people in this story, weekly dinners with the sweetest friends (more like family), thousands of prayers and so so many temple trips.  I know I was on the temple prayer role weekly for years.  My parents hardly ever seemed to miss a chance to pray for me and many many others.  I still weep thinking about all the people in my life who lifted me up and sometimes figuratively carried me on their shoulders. I know they were all my earthly angels sent by Him because He cared even when I felt like I was alone.

Somehow we made it through and moved not too long after that.  It ended out being one of our greatest blessings.  Leaving Texas although hard in it's own right, somehow gave me space to heal from difficult memories.  When we got settled in I kept busy teaching and volunteering at the local school, teaching voice, gardening, doing photography, and homeschooling.  I finally started to feel like I could do this life forever and I wouldn't mind a bit if Audrey was the only child we ever had.  I was a Mom (truly all I ever wanted to be) and that was enough.  We could be the three musketeers forever. 

Last year at the end of the year I decided I'd approach Paul to try IVF.  I promised it would be the last time we would step foot in a fertility clinic.  If you're curious about my journey since then you can read the two posts below which I wrote just after leaving IVF behind.

I wish I could write what is in my heart.  There are words here that can't be spoken because I can't find them.  I'm grateful that I was spared from a more than likely cancelled IVF cycle because of Corona that would have taken place in March after taking SO MANY medications and having to wait another six months to try a new cycle. It would have been another blow to my heart. Stepping away from IVF was my leap of faith.  It was so hard.  I truly thought I was saying goodbye to a chapter in my life, but I moved forward hoping that the peace spoken to my mind and heart was enough.

How was I to know of the miracle awaiting us just two months later.  When I found out I was shocked.  I sobbed uncontrollably all day.  I felt a joy that surpassed anything I have ever felt and not because I was pregnant.  As I reflected on this journey Paul and I have been on I saw all of these blessings and the spirit has whispered to my heart over and over again of God's love.

I knew he loved me in my heart, I knew he could quite possibly love me as much as I love Audrey but I didn't know the depth of his love until I saw his plan for us laid out before me in such a beautiful way...all 13 beautiful years. The plan was not  and still isn't void of difficulty but I wouldn't trade the plan he had for me for the one I had in mind 13 years ago.  I've grown so much.  I've been able to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort in ways I never would have been able to.  I've been able to gain such a beautiful relationship with my Heavenly Father and now to feel His love so tangibly is such a gift.  I can't even begin to describe how it has felt. I have such a long way to go, I know that, but I'm grateful to know that He is there and that He loves me and you in such a personal way.

We are elated to add to our family.  Audrey talks to my belly every night and hugs it regularly.  I've found her many times on the floor of her room with the baby books that I had kept stashed away.  She tells me she's practicing to read to the baby.  A few hours after I had told her about our secret she threw her hand over her mouth just as she walked into the room as if she had forgotten something.  She then said,  Oh, no! I forgot to thank Heavenly Father for the baby!", after which she ran to her room to kneel down , where she was for quite some time.  If I could have only been a fly on the wall for what was surely the sweetest and most thoughtful prayer.

I'm a mess these days, a day can't go by without me feeling overwhelmed by the sweetness of this new gift and the love that has come with it.  My prayer today is to forever remember what I know today.  I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and cares for me deeply (so deeply that I can't use words to describe it to someone else). He is concerned for me, provides for me, and teaches me in the most gentle ways. He has provided a Savior who has given me the most selfless gift.  His gift has sustained me and changed me.  I will forever be grateful for Him because I'm not perfect and I have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I hope to forever sing his praises and boast of his goodness.

I love Him!

There's a Baby coming our way in November y'all!  Pray for me, my body hasn't done this in a LONG time!  :)

Tender Mercies

These thoughts are just for me.  I want to file them away in preparation for the negative thoughts and  semi irrational fears that will surely come.  The written word is the only amour I have against future lies that people may tell me or that I may tell myself.  In those moments I want to remember the sweet whispering of the spirit and the undeniable love God has for me. 

Several months ago Paul and I were talking about our future and having more children.  I like to push the envelope sometimes to get a feel for where Paul is on things.  I remember a time when IVF was never going to be on the table for me.  I saw what was involved and I didn't want to put myself or my family through the potential emotional and physical fall out that might occur post treatment.  I've been through countless IUI treatments.  I've had surgery, had my tubes flushed, taken countless meds, countless vaginal ultrasounds, inserted suppositories, endured the nausea that comes from extra hormone, almost adopted, had two miscarriages, waited and waited some more, have given more blood for more labs than I can count, and still on Paul's side of things there was more. Thinking back on some of it still brings hurt and difficult memories.  IVF was the only thing that I swore I wouldn't do and yet I was bringing it up in the car as a possibility on our way home.  

For the first time we talked about it and said that we would both think about it, pray about it, and come together to talk about it later.  A couple months later we didn't feel bad about it but we both didn't feel like we had a real answer and as with most things in our lives we told Heavenly Father our plan of action and moved forward with the promise that if our feelings changed that we would stop treatment.  

I was overly emotional when I pulled into the parking lot in front of the fertility clinic.  Thoughts of  an ultrasound and the nurse telling me the doctor wanted to speak with me flooded my mind.  There I was sitting in his office again as he told me that this was real life and he wasn't going to mix words but that my 10 week old fetus no longer had a heart beat. Then my mind flooded with all the memories of sitting and sobbing the bathroom after my period had started post IUI treatment. 

I sat crying in the car wondering if I was ready to do this again.  Knowing I had to go inside soon I cranked the AC up as far as it went in attempt to clear the redness from my face.  I called my sister hoping to get some advice on whether I should even enter the building.  She told me to pay attention to my feelings while I was in the appointment and then make a decision whether or not to proceed after that.   Paul arrived and we went in together to talk with the doctor. When we were talking my fear went away and I was fine during the appointment.  It was then that I found out they only do IVF 4 times a year in Montana.  Here I was talking to them in September, and they were telling me that they wouldn't get to egg retrieval till January and then they would put the eggs on ice till March when they would put them inside of me.  This was a little unnerving because I was keenly aware of how difficult it would be for me should I not get pregnant having put six months of hope and work into getting there.  

At that point I feel like it was far enough out that I was able to put the worry away and focus on my day to day.  They were going to see me for labs two months later and I figured at each step I would evaluate my feelings and proceed with caution.  I can't sing Paul's praises enough at this point because he was there right along side me praying, evaluating, and seeking guidance.  A choice like this is hard enough and  during the next few months as people started to figure out our plan of action not all of them were that excited about our decision, but Paul was there every step of the way telling me that it was going to be okay and that we're in this together.  

In October I got a call from my Mom about a possible adoption situation.  My mind was full of what ifs and possibilities.  I was physically shaking from the adrenaline.  I felt like I was in fight or flight for two days before we received all the information.  I found out that the parents of the baby didn't want to decide on placement until they received a paternity test at birth which is in February.  Let's just say the odds are not good, just as we put that behind us we heard of another possibility of adoption through my Texas family.  This one was a little more promising and again I was feeling all of the emotions that come with feeling like your life might change drastically at any moment. For a few weeks we talked back and forth and then found out that things weren't going to work out.  It was hard and a little bit of a relief to walk away from both situations.  We are so grateful for anything that comes our way knowing that God has his hands in all things, and in the end I'm always anxious to find out the answer to whether or not it's the right thing.   Waiting has never been my strong suit, so putting it behind me and knowing it's just another stepping stone in his plan gives me comfort. 

For those of you who decided to read this and have stuck it out for this long, I am sorry.  This is getting long winded but I felt like for posterity's sake I had to include all the details.  It's late so the rest of it will have to come in the morning.  I'll try to post it after this one so no one gets confused.  

         

Tender Mercies (second half)

Weeks went by and the closer December (when I would begin medications) came the more anxious I became.  I would lay awake at night running through all the things that lie ahead for me.  I hardly slept and found myself having more nightmares than usual.  I told Paul at one point that I felt like I was doing everything I could to find Jesus and yet the lack of peace in my life was overwhelming.  I would read my scriptures and write down the thoughts and feelings that came to mind and then I would be fine for a day or so.  Days later I would find myself back in the same dark place all over again.  I owe a lot to my sister, she was there for me every time I felt like I was feeling around in the dark.  She always seemed to say exactly what I needed when I needed it.
I kept telling myself over and over that fear doesn't come from God and that maybe in some twisted way I was having a tiny bit of PTSD.  I had difficulty separating feelings of the spirit and what I thought was fear.
The day came to pick up my first medication from the pharmacy.  I put it off so long that I had to call Paul to have him pick it up before he returned home the day before I was supposed to take it.  I was still trying decide if this was actually the right thing.  Signing the pages and pages of paperwork explaining all the side effects and what could go wrong on top of having one of the pharmacists list off the 12-15 different medications I was supposed to take each for almost ten days, some for an entire month was adding to the overwhelming amount of mounting anxiety.
I was worried as I approached Paul that evening.  As I wept, I told him that I still didn't know what I was supposed to do.  I told him I wasn't sleeping and didn't feel an ounce of the peace or excitement I felt like I was supposed to feel, he assured me that everything was going to be okay and that we'd make the decision together.  I talked things over with my sister and then made a list of the pros and cons of what I was about to do.  My list of negative things filled one side of the page while the other only held a few.  One of which was the possibility of me getting pregnant...something I wanted so badly but it was truly only a possibility.
I cried as I poured out my soul in prayer that night.  I prayed to be enough to go through with it and I prayed that if it was wrong that I would know.
Paul woke me up the next morning before he left and we talked things through.  I realized with my sister's help that if I was more worried about going through with it than I was worried about not going through with it then maybe something was wrong.  We tentatively made the choice to walk away and while that hurt and brought on a new set of what ifs, it also felt peaceful.  We asked our ministering brothers to come by to give me a blessing that night and decided we'd make an official choice before the day was over.
I will never be able to thank these two men adequately for what they did.  I felt defeated and exhausted.  I'd cried more in the last few days than I had in a long time.  They walked in the door and talked with Paul for a few minutes before Paul shared a little bit about the decision we were making and thanked them for coming.  I sat and held Audrey far tighter than I had in a long time knowing that she truly is a miracle.  We try to keep all things baby related between Paul and me. Watching Audrey go through what she did when our adoption fell through was something that I never want to have to see again.  She was a bit confused as to what was going on but seemed to understand that I wasn't ready to tell her everything. 
I sat down in the chair in the middle of our living room as one of these men offered a prayer.  The spirit filled the room as this man wept and prayed for us.  That night his service to us was truly to mourn with those who mourn.  After that, the blessing was given.  I've found that the Heavenly Father never likes to tell us what to do despite my endless pleadings and while I'd like the answer spelled out on a white piece of paper I know no growth comes from that.  He did say that we would know the choice that we were to make and that people on the other side would rejoice at our decision. He also said that we would have more children.  The spirit was strong and while I didn't know in an instant what I was to do an overwhelming amount of peace was there and I felt like the heaviness of what I was carrying was gone.  When I got up from the chair everyone was wiping away tears and as they left the man that gave me a blessing told me that he felt strongly that he needed to tell me that he had never felt the spirit the way he had just minutes earlier while giving me a blessing.  He said he felt strongly that we were going to have more children and that Audrey should make space in her bedroom for someone else.
I have felt strongly for years that we would have more children. It has been the only thing that has brought me hope in the darkest moments with regards to infertility.  Lately that hope had been waning.  Audrey is 8 and sometimes my mind is very mortal and can't find place for the possibility of a miracle like that happening, obviously the odds aren't in our favor.
What Anton said that night has restored my hope.  A day later I found a note from him in the mailbox.  He talked of a story of giving a blessing to a woman in Russia who's daughter had ran away days earlier.  Her Mom was sure that she wouldn't return and that something awful was going to happen to her as they lived in an area that was known for crime.  He put his hands on her head and gave her a blessing saying that her daughter would return that evening and no harm would come to her, sure enough she returned. He said that up until giving me a blessing he had never felt the spirit as strongly as he did when giving this woman a blessing that night. As he continued, he re-emphasized his feelings on us having more children and said that he had no doubts that whatever our choice, he felt that we would have absolute success.
I used to think, and even offer prayers in my heart that if God was to give me a miracle that I would shout his praises from the rooftops.  I would bear testimony of his everlasting love and kindness with every chance that came my way.  Reflecting has a way of making you see things differently.  I've been putting together my blog book lately and came across my posts from two years before Audrey was born.  I wanted to shout through the screen, "Hang in there Emily! She's coming and she's beautiful and sweet and everything you ever imagined she would be!".   Later that night as I was thinking about these entries I remembered this previous prayer in my heart and I realized something I hadn't before.  Why would I wait to sing his praises? Why would I wait to bear testimony of His love and kindness....and peace, and joy, and comfort, and strength, and grace, and forgiveness?  He has been there in every moment...even the ones where I thought I couldn't find Him.  As I looked back on the last few months I saw Him and I was so grateful for the journey despite it's difficulties.
Ultimately we decided not to do IVF.  The peace that came after making that decision was overwhelming.  It wasn't without grief.  I cried the whole day after as I called doctors and cancelled prescriptions.  At one point I was at the sink washing dishes and crying.  I felt someone behind me and turned around but no one was there. I went to turn back around and the names of my grandparents came into my mind.  I still feel strongly like they were there with me bearing me up when I needed them.  God's tender mercies are endless.
Here I was  giving up what seemed to be my last chance.   Walking away from what seemed like the obvious choice was really hard.  While I'm not sure what the future holds and I try not to think about it too much, I know we made the right choice.
I know He is there in every detail of my life.  He knows me and Audrey and Paul, the desires of our hearts and what we need.  I know it's the same with all of his children.  His desire is to redeem us all and the process is not easy, but in the end we are promised that all will be made right.
I won't pretend that my life is harder than yours.  I know everyone struggles with their own trials and most are much harder than mine but I hope at the end of the day we can find hope and peace in Him.  I hope that we can shout his praises even in the midst of our most difficult trials.

St. George

After Audrey's baptism I headed to my sisters house.  It's been a year since I've driven down to St. George and it was nice to be back.  I enjoyed crafting with my sisters, morning chats, swimming, ice cream eating, hiking, watching Vista's amazing children's choir and wishing, horse riding with Grace, and the rodeo.  I might have brought a little drama into Michelle's house which I feel bad about but I'm so grateful we all got to spend time with each other.  It made me want to make a move to Southern Utah where I could be close to a sister and a brother.  When I was headed home from this trip I found myself mourning the fact that  I don't live close to anyone.  Living far away has it's perks but it's also hard sometimes.  Thank you to Katrina for coming over at random times to spend time with us.  I love you and your littles and I'm so glad we got to spend a little bit of time with you.  Also a huge  thanks to Michelle for feeding us, entertaining us, and just being you.  I love you too.  I'm so glad I made the extra trip to visit with you and your family.  I think Leo might actually know my name now...maybe.  Thank you Kimberly and Tamara for enduring my crazy and for driving with me there and back and spending all that time with me.  Love you both tons!  And a thanks to Grace for making my horse dreams come true.  I've always wanted to take riding lessons.  She took the time to give me a lesson and she was so patient when I struggled.  I hope to do it again.  

   

 

Audrey's Baptism Day

 I've been thinking about this day all year.  I've tried to prepare her mind and her spirit for years.  This year she came to me and said, "Mom, I'm not sure if the scriptures are true or just stories.  I'm not sure if Jesus is real or if he's just a story."  Part of me was heart broken.  I wondered if I'd done enough, if I was enough to be this sweet girl's Mom.  As I listened to conference a few weeks after she mentioned this to me I had the strongest impression that I just need to be an example.  I also felt strongly that we needed to read the Book of Mormon together every morning and highlight verses about Jesus Christ.  As the days went on I would point out when she felt the spirit.  I pointed out the parts of scripture that were important to me.  We drew pictures in the margins of our scriptures so she could remember the stories and what they meant to her.  I'm grateful she asked the questions she did.  I'm grateful she has questions.  I feel like the only way we grow is to seek answers to our questions.  I hope that I'm teaching her the ways to find truth.  I admire her.  My 8 year old self just followed her older siblings.  I didn't have real questions and start seeking truth until much later in my life.  

I know that God is preparing her for whatever her mission is here on this earth.  I'm so proud that she came to this choice on her own. 

The day of her baptism was a beautiful day.  I cried probably more than I should have.  As she entered the water I teared up knowing the work she had put in to get to this point and how lucky I am to have been apart of her journey in getting to know Jesus Christ.  My joy is so full!  Grant and Jenn gave beautiful talks on baptism and the Holy Ghost.  Audrey and I sang together.  I was so proud of how well she did.  I was breaking up and could hardly sing but I was so grateful for that moment and for the spirit it brought with it. 

 When the time came for her to receive the Holy Ghost I was overcome with love as I watched all the men in our families get up to lay their hands on her head.  There are so many that love her and I'm so grateful for all of the beautiful examples she has in her life.  I hope someday she realizes what a blessing that is. If she remembers anything from this day, I hope she remembers the spirit that accompanied her today and the love of her Father in Heaven and his Son Jesus Christ.  

They are proud of her and I am too!  

 

 

 

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