Perspective

I haven't even started to write about the last few weeks because honestly I would rather pretend that none of it happened.  I know I shouldn't say that.  We learn from everything that happens to us and that's how we become the person that we are supposed to be.  I wouldn't wish it away but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. I've decided that I'm going to write about it, because I need to.  Not for anyone else but for me. Some day when these words are printed into a book and I'm able to reflect on them and how my experiences have shaped me I will be able to be grateful.   

I guess I figured that after having Audrey my body would fix itself.  I imagined that I would never again struggle with infertility.  So, it was very hard to swallow when Audrey turned 2 and I had to look at the facts. I couldn't sit around anymore and imagine.  

Fertility treatments.  I hated them.  I hated how I didn't feel like the same person. I hated that every month I forced myself to turn off my emotions and not feel because it was easier. Over all this time was better for one reason.  I had Audrey.  After all was said and done, I could come home and love her even more.  I feel like she truly is a miracle.  

After a few months of fertility treatments I finally got pregnant.  It was hard for me to believe.  It felt almost too easy.  We celebrated and we called our families. 

I went in for my first ultra sound at six weeks. They couldn't hear the heartbeat which I could tell that they were nervous about.  They said that it could be a little early.  I might have gotten pregnant a little later than they thought I did, a very small possibility.  They told me to go home and we would have another ultrasound in a week.  It was a really long week but I tried to keep positive.  I went in at 7 weeks.  I heard the heartbeat and started to cry.  I was relieved but I still had this feeling that something was wrong.  When I went in to see the doctor and he told me that the baby was measuring small and the heartbeat was slow.  This was a sign that I would probably miscarry.  I had to wait another 2 weeks to find out for sure. I sensed from the doctor that it would be a miracle to have this baby. My heart broke. I called my family.  I had a good conversation with my Dad, and even though he is so far away.  I felt so comforted by his words.  

I had to stop asking and let the Lord's will be done.  I had to trust his plan for me.  This experience would be for my good, and even though I believed that with my whole heart, I was still emotional on and off all day.   At one point I sat on the toilet sobbing and Audrey came over.  She climbed up in my lap, gave me a big hug and whispered, "Is okay Mom, is okay".  She is my angel. I love her.    

Among this looming dark cloud there was a bright spot.  I don't think that I could ever adequately thank her for what she did.  Michelle called me and asked if it was okay if she came to see me.  She had already booked a ticket.  I was in shock.  I don't get to see my family very often and I knew that this would be a huge sacrifice for Michelle.  

I didn't realize how much I had missed my family until she walked out of the airport doors. I cried. Everything was going to be okay. Over the next few days we shopped and shopped, ate blue bell, and watched romance movies, and talked.  Audrey got to know her aunt Michelle and Paul and I got to go on a date.  It was the best therapy I could have asked for.  After a little prodding I called to set up an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion.  It came time when Michelle had to leave and I cried. It was harder dropping her off than I thought it would be.  

I went in to see my doctor a couple days later.  He confirmed my fears.  I was going to miscarry.  There was no heartbeat and the baby was still the same size 2 weeks later.  I went in to his office 2 more times to be sure.

After waiting few days more days I decided to have a D&C.  I need to move on and I didn't feel like I could until I miscarried.  

Now I have recovered, both emotionally and physically, thanks to family, friends, and prayers. I'm not sure what my next move will be but surprisingly I'm not worried. 

I guess part of writing something down is realizing that even though this was the hardest thing I have ever been through, my Heavenly Father was there with me through the entire thing.  Always sending people to my aid just when I needed them.