Easter

Easter weekend was also Audrey's spring break.  I would have to say that we were both ready for a break and a little bit of extra family time.  We spent a lot of time grilling and Audrey camped out in her tepee every night, we read a lot of books, watched movies, and went out as a family.  We're hoping it warms up soon so we can go on a real camping trip.  

On Saturday we decided to do an Easter egg hunt.  I always enjoy a good Easter egg hunt...mostly because of the leftover chocolate and jelly bellies. :)  Audrey insisted on hiding eggs for me and Paul this year too.  I didn't argue.  :)  

On Sunday we dyed eggs together for the first time. Later I made deviled eggs out of them and found out that Audrey loves hard boiled eggs...but only the white part.  She was eating the whites faster than I could put the yolk back in.  

Conference was also a highlight of Easter this year.  President Nelsons talk was so good.  It hit me right in the gut.  I really want to feel the spirit and be guided in my life in the way that he describes.  If you're interested in listening I'll post it here.  

President Nelson's Talk 

Conference always makes me cry and I always vow to be a better person than I was the previous months.  I hope that with time I can work toward being the type of person worthy of the spirits constant guidance.  I hope I can teach this girl to be better than I've been.    

Weather Veins, Snow Hills, and Spring

Yes, my next door neighbor has a rooster weather vein.  She kept telling me how excited she was to put it up.  She told me that she thought that Audrey would love it.  In my imagination it was smaller.  :)

We got so much snow within a week.  I was determined to get out and enjoy it.  I had this idea of making Audrey a really large snow hill so she could sled in our backyard.  It's been a while since I've been around snow.  I forgot about how terrible powder is to pack....maybe I shouldn't even put powder and pack in the same sentence.  I kept shoveling up mounds only to have it fall in a few minutes later when I tried to pack it down.  

It's so cold here that more often than not our snow is powder.  I'm sure the skiers love it but the Mom's trying to make snow hills and snow men for their kids hate it. 

I decided that I would pile the snow up as high has I could and then maybe it would solidify over night.  It turns out that it doesn't get warm enough here at night to solidify a pile of powdery snow.  Paul....bless his soul got up early in the morning before we got up and added more snow.  Then he spent an hour trying to pack it down with his boots.  It wasn't as high as it could have gotten if the snow were wet, but it was perfect for Audrey.  She spent and hour sliding down and climbing back up.  Paul and I even got in a few rides.  It was a beautiful Saturday morning full of smiles.  

Now.....two months later I'm wishing for the snow to go away but it keeps coming back.  It's like the gift that keeps on giving.  Audrey begged me to go out and play in it yesterday and I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It's making me grumpy and I don't like it.   It's been a while since I've had snow on my birthday and I'm determined for it not to happen this year.....so go away snow....or I might just have to find myself a flame thrower and aim it at the sky.  It is spring after all.  I'm ready to garden!

A Sweetheart

Lately I've been wondering where I went wrong as a Mother.  We will have days where I don't think she's listened to a word I've said.  It's like she's testing me to make sure I stay on my toes.  Other days all I want to do is sit on the couch with her snuggled up close and read a book or watch a movie or just sit and talk about her day.  

I'm trying to give her a little slack on the days where she just doesn't care because lets face it..I have days where I am a little nasty too.  Yesterday was one of them :).  I'm tried more recently to remind her in the morning that she can be a light and an example, that she can make make a difference in someone else's life today.  I don't always know if she's listening but I hope she does.  I've had a few moments recently that became proof that she listens and that she truly is a sweetheart.  

A week ago I was walking Audrey to her classroom in the morning before I went off to teach.  She noticed a Kindergartener in the hallway trying desperately to open his breakfast bar.  Without even a prompt she crouched down and said, "Hey!  Do you need help opening that?"  With exasperation he said, "Yes!" and handed it to her.  She helped him open it and then handed it back to him with a smile.  He said thank you and she was on her way.  I had to stop when we got to her classroom door and tell her how proud I was of her for helping.  

A few days later I was out helping at recess during lunch time.  Audrey ran up to me and told me she was worried about a little girl in her class because she was sad.  I told her, that maybe we should find out why.  When we got there the little girl explained that the kids she usually played with ran off without her and she didn't have a friend to play with.  I suggested she play tag with Me and Audrey and a couple other kids.  She lit up and started running away. Before we knew it, there kids all over the playground joining in.  Later in the day, I again told Audrey how proud I was that she did her best to help someone else. 

A few days ago I was having a down day.  There's something about my Birthday that makes me feel like time is running out.  Every time my birthday comes around I feel like it's less likely that I'll have another child.  I feel this urgency to do something drastic regardless of what the spirit is telling me.  Paul has been my voice of logic over the last few months as I've suggested all kinds of things to push pregnancy.  On a particularly hard day I cried.  I don't think I've cried about infertility since I said goodbye to Giselle almost two years ago.  I felt stupid for crying but I couldn't stop.  Audrey walked in the kitchen as I was hugging Paul and sobbing.  She was so worried over why I was crying and asked what was making me sad.  I told her that I was sad because I couldn't give her a little brother or sister.  She reached up and gave me the biggest hug and told me that it was okay.  I continued getting ready for lunch and talking with Paul.  A few minutes later Audrey grabbed my hand and looked up at me with all the sincerity she could muster and told me that she knew that I was going to have another baby.  I cried more as she ran off to her room. When she came back she had a note in her hand that said, "I love you Mom.  Love, Audrey".  After a while I stopped crying and she continued bringing notes, giving hugs, and telling me that I was the best Mom in the whole world.  When she noticed the tears had stopped she said, "Mom, I think you've got your smile back now!"      

 I've always been grateful for her, but in that moment I was even more grateful that she was mine. I felt and still feel completely unworthy to have her.  Here I am supposed to be  helping her and taking care of her and there she was comforting me. 

There have been moments when I just wanted to scream because she's really loving the defiant life right now.  Paul has asked me several times in the last few months if we are raising a brat.  We've talked about doing even more service and visiting people who have less so that she understands how blessed we are.  

As I've reflected back on the last two weeks I've realized that I have a beautiful sweetheart who at times has really grumpy days just like her Mom.  I always expect so much out of her and I've realized that I just need to be grateful that she's doing her best and shower her with even more love... just because I can.  

There was a little girl at school that told me that she wanted to be my daughter because I spoiled Audrey.  In response I told her that I don't spoil Audrey with things, but I do spoil her with love.  The little girl then said, "That's what I mean!"  

Audrey and I are lucky to have each other.