A Sweetheart

Lately I've been wondering where I went wrong as a Mother.  We will have days where I don't think she's listened to a word I've said.  It's like she's testing me to make sure I stay on my toes.  Other days all I want to do is sit on the couch with her snuggled up close and read a book or watch a movie or just sit and talk about her day.  

I'm trying to give her a little slack on the days where she just doesn't care because lets face it..I have days where I am a little nasty too.  Yesterday was one of them :).  I'm tried more recently to remind her in the morning that she can be a light and an example, that she can make make a difference in someone else's life today.  I don't always know if she's listening but I hope she does.  I've had a few moments recently that became proof that she listens and that she truly is a sweetheart.  

A week ago I was walking Audrey to her classroom in the morning before I went off to teach.  She noticed a Kindergartener in the hallway trying desperately to open his breakfast bar.  Without even a prompt she crouched down and said, "Hey!  Do you need help opening that?"  With exasperation he said, "Yes!" and handed it to her.  She helped him open it and then handed it back to him with a smile.  He said thank you and she was on her way.  I had to stop when we got to her classroom door and tell her how proud I was of her for helping.  

A few days later I was out helping at recess during lunch time.  Audrey ran up to me and told me she was worried about a little girl in her class because she was sad.  I told her, that maybe we should find out why.  When we got there the little girl explained that the kids she usually played with ran off without her and she didn't have a friend to play with.  I suggested she play tag with Me and Audrey and a couple other kids.  She lit up and started running away. Before we knew it, there kids all over the playground joining in.  Later in the day, I again told Audrey how proud I was that she did her best to help someone else. 

A few days ago I was having a down day.  There's something about my Birthday that makes me feel like time is running out.  Every time my birthday comes around I feel like it's less likely that I'll have another child.  I feel this urgency to do something drastic regardless of what the spirit is telling me.  Paul has been my voice of logic over the last few months as I've suggested all kinds of things to push pregnancy.  On a particularly hard day I cried.  I don't think I've cried about infertility since I said goodbye to Giselle almost two years ago.  I felt stupid for crying but I couldn't stop.  Audrey walked in the kitchen as I was hugging Paul and sobbing.  She was so worried over why I was crying and asked what was making me sad.  I told her that I was sad because I couldn't give her a little brother or sister.  She reached up and gave me the biggest hug and told me that it was okay.  I continued getting ready for lunch and talking with Paul.  A few minutes later Audrey grabbed my hand and looked up at me with all the sincerity she could muster and told me that she knew that I was going to have another baby.  I cried more as she ran off to her room. When she came back she had a note in her hand that said, "I love you Mom.  Love, Audrey".  After a while I stopped crying and she continued bringing notes, giving hugs, and telling me that I was the best Mom in the whole world.  When she noticed the tears had stopped she said, "Mom, I think you've got your smile back now!"      

 I've always been grateful for her, but in that moment I was even more grateful that she was mine. I felt and still feel completely unworthy to have her.  Here I am supposed to be  helping her and taking care of her and there she was comforting me. 

There have been moments when I just wanted to scream because she's really loving the defiant life right now.  Paul has asked me several times in the last few months if we are raising a brat.  We've talked about doing even more service and visiting people who have less so that she understands how blessed we are.  

As I've reflected back on the last two weeks I've realized that I have a beautiful sweetheart who at times has really grumpy days just like her Mom.  I always expect so much out of her and I've realized that I just need to be grateful that she's doing her best and shower her with even more love... just because I can.  

There was a little girl at school that told me that she wanted to be my daughter because I spoiled Audrey.  In response I told her that I don't spoil Audrey with things, but I do spoil her with love.  The little girl then said, "That's what I mean!"  

Audrey and I are lucky to have each other.