Several months ago Paul and I were talking about our future and having more children. I like to push the envelope sometimes to get a feel for where Paul is on things. I remember a time when IVF was never going to be on the table for me. I saw what was involved and I didn't want to put myself or my family through the potential emotional and physical fall out that might occur post treatment. I've been through countless IUI treatments. I've had surgery, had my tubes flushed, taken countless meds, countless vaginal ultrasounds, inserted suppositories, endured the nausea that comes from extra hormone, almost adopted, had two miscarriages, waited and waited some more, have given more blood for more labs than I can count, and still on Paul's side of things there was more. Thinking back on some of it still brings hurt and difficult memories. IVF was the only thing that I swore I wouldn't do and yet I was bringing it up in the car as a possibility on our way home.
For the first time we talked about it and said that we would both think about it, pray about it, and come together to talk about it later. A couple months later we didn't feel bad about it but we both didn't feel like we had a real answer and as with most things in our lives we told Heavenly Father our plan of action and moved forward with the promise that if our feelings changed that we would stop treatment.
I was overly emotional when I pulled into the parking lot in front of the fertility clinic. Thoughts of an ultrasound and the nurse telling me the doctor wanted to speak with me flooded my mind. There I was sitting in his office again as he told me that this was real life and he wasn't going to mix words but that my 10 week old fetus no longer had a heart beat. Then my mind flooded with all the memories of sitting and sobbing the bathroom after my period had started post IUI treatment.
I sat crying in the car wondering if I was ready to do this again. Knowing I had to go inside soon I cranked the AC up as far as it went in attempt to clear the redness from my face. I called my sister hoping to get some advice on whether I should even enter the building. She told me to pay attention to my feelings while I was in the appointment and then make a decision whether or not to proceed after that. Paul arrived and we went in together to talk with the doctor. When we were talking my fear went away and I was fine during the appointment. It was then that I found out they only do IVF 4 times a year in Montana. Here I was talking to them in September, and they were telling me that they wouldn't get to egg retrieval till January and then they would put the eggs on ice till March when they would put them inside of me. This was a little unnerving because I was keenly aware of how difficult it would be for me should I not get pregnant having put six months of hope and work into getting there.
At that point I feel like it was far enough out that I was able to put the worry away and focus on my day to day. They were going to see me for labs two months later and I figured at each step I would evaluate my feelings and proceed with caution. I can't sing Paul's praises enough at this point because he was there right along side me praying, evaluating, and seeking guidance. A choice like this is hard enough and during the next few months as people started to figure out our plan of action not all of them were that excited about our decision, but Paul was there every step of the way telling me that it was going to be okay and that we're in this together.
In October I got a call from my Mom about a possible adoption situation. My mind was full of what ifs and possibilities. I was physically shaking from the adrenaline. I felt like I was in fight or flight for two days before we received all the information. I found out that the parents of the baby didn't want to decide on placement until they received a paternity test at birth which is in February. Let's just say the odds are not good, just as we put that behind us we heard of another possibility of adoption through my Texas family. This one was a little more promising and again I was feeling all of the emotions that come with feeling like your life might change drastically at any moment. For a few weeks we talked back and forth and then found out that things weren't going to work out. It was hard and a little bit of a relief to walk away from both situations. We are so grateful for anything that comes our way knowing that God has his hands in all things, and in the end I'm always anxious to find out the answer to whether or not it's the right thing. Waiting has never been my strong suit, so putting it behind me and knowing it's just another stepping stone in his plan gives me comfort.
For those of you who decided to read this and have stuck it out for this long, I am sorry. This is getting long winded but I felt like for posterity's sake I had to include all the details. It's late so the rest of it will have to come in the morning. I'll try to post it after this one so no one gets confused.
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