Safe Place

This is a safe place for me.  It always has been.  Honestly I don't care who reads this and I don't care what they think because this is for me.  

I'm broken hearted.  If hearted is even a word?  I don't think it is but I'm making it one. 

 I some ways I wish I could forget the last month and a half, and in other ways I would never want to. 

For the first time in my life I felt true charity and it was beautiful.  I loved this little girl with all the love I had.  I never had any indication that she wouldn't be mine someday.  I don't think I would have changed anything even if I did. 

I did this in the beginning solely to help someone in need.  I never felt like it would turn into anything else.  Then the word adoption was brought up and I felt like this was it.  We started meeting with a lawyer, we took her to Utah with us, we turned our lives upside down, and we all loved her with all the love we could give.  We started planning and I envisioned a beautiful future with this new little one apart of our family forever.

That all changed a week and a half ago.  I was angry, I grieved, I cried, I comforted my little girl.  It feels like I miscarried all over again, except this time I got a taste of what it was like to have and love her for a little while.  Now I may never see her again. There are moments when I feel like I'm losing my mind and then there are moments when all I feel is peace and I know that everything is going to be okay.  Whatever loss I have felt will be made right in the end.  Those are the moments I hold on to.

Still, I grieve and wish it could have gone differently.  

I still believe that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers.  He has given me people who have been there to comfort me through this.  He has given me the peace I needed when I needed it and hugs when I needed them too.  I have come out of this a better person.  I feel closer to him than I ever have before and I wouldn't change that for anything.  

to brighter days.... 

G, you will never be forgotten. I'm convinced you will always be in our hearts, and I'm grateful we got to love you for a short time.  

Audrey, 

I'm so proud of you!  From the very moment you met G, you loved her.  You were always there to help and make sure that she was okay.  When she cried you were always concerned and had to make sure that I knew it.  There were moments I watched you play with G and thought my heart could explode with joy.   You were the best big sister.  You have been such and amazing example to me of love and forgiveness over the last week.  Thank you for loving G when she needed it the most.  Thank you for understanding and being there for me through the last week.  Never forget that loving someone is the greatest gift you can give.

I love you snuggle bug!