If you don't already know from the crazy amount of posts I've done on Facebook, Instagram, and adoption.com. Paul and I are trying to find a baby to adopt. I created a blog, an instagram account, and an adoption profile on adoption.com I poured everything I had into getting them ready to launch. You can't imagine how difficult it was to put myself out there like that. To write things that I have never really expressed out loud. After our profile went live I wanted to run and take it all down because putting myself out there, feels like I'm standing there letting everyone see my soul.
I broke down a couple nights ago. It's hard for me to even say this here among friends and family but I'm scared. I'm really scared. I put my heart on the line when I did fertility treatments knowing that it may not work. When I miscarried it broke my heart, but I was willing to try again only to feel that same pain when it didn't work for the fourth time.
I decided at that point that I needed to stop. I felt like Heavenly Father was telling me to have faith and be still. Nothing felt right for two years. I've done a lot of pondering, praying, and inward looking. One day adoption popped into my head just like it had several times before. But this time I felt good about it. I threw the idea at Paul one day and he didn't seem to go for it. That night I prayed so hard that if it was the right thing that Paul would bring it up again. Two weeks later Paul walked in from work and said, "Emily, I think we need to talk about adoption.". At that point I couldn't argue, I put my heart and soul into getting ready over the last three months.
So now I'm at the point where I have to put my heart out there again and don't know if I can handle another heart break. I'm scared to death. I'm even more scared that I have to put it into someone else's hands.
The only thing I find comfort in, is knowing that I feel like this is the right thing. I went to San Antonio a week ago with Paul for a business trip and I got to visit my dear cousin. I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace as I spoke to her about her adoption and the things she felt like she should share with me. She will never know how much it meant to me. Walking away, I had to think that the last minute timing of Paul's business trip was no coincidence. God knew I needed someone to lift my soul.
So everyday I remind myself of those things and everyday I remind myself to be still and have faith. As Audrey often reminds me, "Don't worry Mom, everything will be okay!".
So here's to our new adventure of chasing hope!
It would make me super happy and grateful if those of you reading this would share the links below somewhere on social media, or your blog (if you haven't already). Love you all!
ADOPTION PROFILE: http://adoption.com/profiles/paulandemilyken-6540
And for your viewing pleasure. Here are the pictures I took for our blog and profile.
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